“Are you going to work after marriage?”
This was the first question a family member of my then fiancé asked me. We had met one second ago.
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Some months into the wedding, I went to a social event with my mother-in-law. She introduced me to her family friend. She asks my MIL “She is a housewife only, no?”.
I felt hurt. Like I was not meant to have an identity of my own. It was not meant in that way I suppose. Most traditional business owners do not marry women who work outside homes.
I belong to a family with many working professional women. Teachers, Bankers, Doctors, Lawyers. It is two incomes which ensured we moved up the social class. And it is my mother’s exposure that ensured we received the best education possible. This upbringing and exposure to work ethic, especially my mother’s, made my self-worth be defined by what work I do in life.
I want to add value to people’s lives and get paid for it. That is how I chose the development sector. But the reality of an urban, single working woman in a grassroots organization in rural India hit hard. I had no cooking skills. I was eating from small eateries in the village. I could not sleep alone in the eerie quietness of the place. It took a toll on my health.
I decided I needed family support and got married. I knew instinctively I wanted to be with my partner. I knew I was smart enough to figure out my career along the way.
But what are you even going to do in this place?
My father and loved ones asked me multiple times as I moved to a tier 3 city.
As someone who enjoyed home decor and Diwali cleaning as a kid, I thought cooking and housekeeping would be a sweep and I could focus on what I want to do with my life.
I was so wrong. I had no clue that being married and running a home means a lot of continuous never-ending work and decision making. That a good amount of my time would revolve around cooking. Maids. Grocery lists. Home repair. Something always needs repair.
I have noticed many homemakers say one of the following about themselves -
‘I am just a housewife.’
‘I am just sitting at home.’
Some say it with pride. Others feel burdened by it.
There is a toxic culture of the word being used in a derogatory way.
Household work does not get the same dignity that a job or a business does. Except on WhatsApp messages on Women’s Day or Mother’s Day when they are put on a pedestal.
Unpaid work is still work.
A whole lot of work. Every single day.
My mother-in-law is a homemaker. Every day she improves the quality of life of her household. The rest of her time is spent in her hobbies and spiritual pursuit.
Homemakers and unpaid caregivers are the backbone of the economy. What would be the cost of a generation full of non-potty-trained children to the economy! The cost of cooking, cleaning, supervising and managing a household. Women make it possible for men to be productive.
For many women such choices come at a personal opportunity cost. The cost of personal growth, ambitions and economic rights. The cost of respect and recognition in society.
Traditional roles occupied by women improve the quality of life for the household. When a woman chooses not to work outside the home, she labels herself as ‘just’ a housewife. Who is perceived as not really doing anything with her life and education. This worthlessness is internalized by some women. There are studies which state that rate of suicides among homemaking women is high.
A household is an economic unit. And managing it, cooking meals, all this requires a huge amount of physical and mental labor which is invisible.
I cook every day and my day revolves around meals and maids. One meal doesn’t get done and then the next meal prep begins. One day doesn’t end when the prep of the meals for the next day begins. I can see why advanced countries in the world spend only 20 mins a week on cooking. Meal prep, making big batches of food, freezing — all of these make a lot of sense.
I find immense satisfaction and comfort in eating freshly cooked hot food made as per my taste. I am happy to take this role. I know it is my privilege. It took a lot for me to reach a state where I can say this about the chore of cooking. Even with a supportive partner, decent house help, non-interfering family and choosing to not have kids right now I find the interruptions that come up with grihasthi management irritating as I try to work from home. Now I understand why popular culture shows housewives angry, frustrated and nagging.
I guess the convenience of working from home comes with the lack of a corporate style of quiet and focus. I do not have the mental peace and quiet while working or studying as I did as a child. One part of my mind is always focused on work happening in the house. Maybe I will be fine if I let go a little. And also not let the internet distract me!
My mother was a full-time working professional. She was the administrative head of a school for 30 years. She was a social worker. She was an educationist. She took an active role in creating positive changes for the benefit of many many students year after year. She was looked up to by many and feared by a few. She was also disliked for her strong opinions by some. She effectively delegated the cooking, cleaning, and caregiving to trustworthy maids. She and my father could afford it. She has been called a ‘bad’ mother by a few.
Her legacy is far greater than anyone who has ever judged her. Including me.
Sadly, India has always had low female labor participation. This trend continues. I did not experience this until I moved to my partner’s hometown.
But what happens to the quality of life of the working woman?
My friend Aarti is married and has two children. She and her husband live with his parents. Both parents are retired and fairly active. Husband is working from home. Yet she is the one who manages most things at home. She has a high paying corporate job. After coming back from work she begins her second shift. She gets groceries and anything the kids need on the way back from work. Cleans the house. Sorts the groceries. Manages children. She is always arranging something. Takes her children out for play. Meets the demands of the school for the next day. Manages their family’s social engagements. Stays connected to her own family. Does laundry. And she is the last person to eat in the house. Her sick days are her rest days.
Women working outside the home have challenging lives. Especially in the low- and middle-income homes. They often have the double burden of doing the domestic tasks and their jobs. If they have children, they have the triple burden of raising children, doing household work and going to work.
Along with it comes the never-ending internal guilt. That somehow, I am not doing enough.
As a kid when our cook was on leave, my father who loves food would fondly take up the role of cooking. Basic dal and rice. We relished that meal. I still remember its flavors. The simple tadka. And he never made it a big deal. Because it is not. My father has always and is still working full-time.
As I grew up, I began to realize my parents are not the norm. They never once asked me to help out in the kitchen or told me that a lot of my future is going to revolve around food and cooking. I don’t know why they didn’t think it necessary. Maybe they wanted me to focus on my education. Or maybe they had too much going on in their lives. So, I never internalized that it is my job to get the food on the table. Most girls are made to help out as a child I am told. It prepares them better for the rigid, gendered nature of the household.
After years of eating bad tasting food after marriage and crying about it I finally have some sense of what to do. All hail Google thalli and cooking blogs! I see in many traditional cultures - a lot of emphasis is placed on household work and is regarded as work. These do take as much time as a full-time job in less advanced societies.
I believe building a gender-neutral household is important. It helps take the pressure off the man that he alone needs to provide for the home. And takes the pressure off of women that she alone has to do it all around the house.
In our world, whoever earns the buck is the one who is respected. But so many things which are of value cannot be monetized easily. What is the price of a warm freshly cooked meal made exactly the way you like it, what is the price of a clean, clutter free home, of emotional availability of parents or partners. Acknowledging the efforts inside home and the choices made is a good start towards making the invisible labor visible.
Ultimately, it is all about personal choices and situations. I want to reach a stage where I feel truly proud of the choices I have made. And respect others for the choices they make in a judgment-free manner. I am getting there step by step.
